A Series of Randomn Thoughts:
by Mad Steph
Summary: Because 20 years have to count for something


Lincoln Hawk, even after so many years, the name flooded her mind with souvenirs

**Title:** A series of Random Thoughts: Because 20 years have to count for something  
**Pairings:** Rufus/Lily  
**Rating:** PG  
**Type:** Drabble  
**Warning:** Spoilers for season one  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gossip Girl nor the characters. I make no money from this.  
**Summary: **A collection of drabbles

**A/N:** In celebration of the imminent return of Lily Van der Woodsen, I give you my collection of drabbles, which are based on the first season, a part from the last one which is purely wishful thinking on my behalf.

Reviews are always more than Welcome!

Hope you enjoy it 

**LINCOLN HAWK**

_Lincoln Hawk_, even after so many years, the name flooded her mind with souvenirs.

Every tune, every lyric engraved in her memory for ever and ever.

Sometimes when she felt lonely, she would allow herself to look back: his voice and his guitar, her camera and her eagerness, the excitement, the rush of adrenaline that shot through her veins during each performance, the sensation that he was singing for her and her only, when their eyes locked during a concert despite the crowd.

No matter how much she tried to forget it or deny it, she would always love him.

**TATTOOS**

Tattoos …

Of course he would remember hers, as well as she remembered his.

He used to redraw hers with his finger when they would lie in each other's arms in absolute silence. It was calm, it was soothing, no words had been necessary, everything had been easier back then, it had been a time when she had no worries, only dreams and the feeling deep down in the bottom of her soul that these dreams would all come true one day.

Those times were over, all she had left were the dreams, she know knew would never come true.

**HIS KISS**

The look in his eyes as he leaned closer to her …

The smell of his aftershave, the same as years ago …

The slight jolt of electricity as his lips touched hers …

The feeling of his hair as she ran her fingers through it …

As if time had stopped, they were stuck in a moment together and the past twenty years hadn't happened. She was still his groupie, and he was still her rock star, and they were still in love.

Unexpected, exciting, thrilling, satisfying, he was the only one who had ever kissed her like that.

**TOMATO SAUCE**

The tomato sauce still tasted exactly the way she remembered it. They passed the ingredients to each other mechanically like an old married couple who had repeated the same actions over a thousand times.

It felt good to been with someone with whom she felt totally comfortable, with whom she could be herself. Conversation flowed freely between them. He was an easy person to talk to, she had almost forgotten that.

He was a man of many qualities; unfortunately he lacked the only one that had been important to make him acceptable in the eyes of her family: social status.

**ALLISON**

Similar yet totally different, they were from two opposite worlds, one had grown up dreaming of fairytales and prince charming, the other in a world of fairytales and princes by the dozens dreaming of leading a life where challenges existed and not everything was served on a silver platter.

In common they had one man. One knew he would never forget the other woman she would forever be in his heart; the other hoped he would never stop loving her, because she could never stop loving him.

They were both the last person the other expected to see for Thanksgiving.

**CHOICES**

It was over. All over.

He had made his choice, and while it had been the obvious one, she had held on to the possibility that he would chose her over his wife.

How foolish could she be?

She felt empty, and if something was missing from her life, something she wouldn't be able to survive without. They had become close during these past few months. She could settle with having him as just a friend, but she couldn't bear the idea of not having him in her life at all anymore.

She needed fries, a whole lot of them.

**PAST MISTAKES**

Can money bring happiness?

Can happiness replace money?

This was the dilemma she had been faced with long ago: love or money.

Her mother had lain down all the hard cold facts, he was just her first love, and they always fade, the novelty of the sentiment embellishes the reality, it would be foolish to throw away the promising life she had ahead of her and a social status such as hers, for a musician, riffraff, she had said, and mothers knew best. Or so she thought.

How wrong she had been, and how much she regretted her past choices.

**REGRETS**

_I should never have let you let me go …_

Ten little words which meant everything, he still loved her, as much as back then, nothing had changed, would anything ever between them?

Ten little words which left her longing for the warmth of his arms around her.

Ten little words which filled her with hope for the future and bitter regret of the past.

Ten little words which left her with the reassuring knowledge that no matter what, no matter who they were with and where they were, they would always belong to each other.

Ten little words …

**A CALL**

She had not been expecting him to call. She knew they shouldn't be talking, but she couldn't stop herself from pressing the answer button.

He wanted to say something, she knew he wanted to tell her everything she wanted to hear, she urged him, and he cowered.

He sounded broken, not himself, she wondered what was wrong, but couldn't bring herself to ask him.

Instead she blurted something out about leaving on a trip with another man.

She immediately regretted saying it, knowing she had definitely put a halt to the declaration of love he had been about to make.

**A MESSAGE**

She had been too stunned by Bart's proposal to remember to listen to the message, she wished now she had interrupted that moment to take the call.

She would have found an excuse to leave the suite, to go to him, to tell him that she missed him too, that everything would be fine from now on.

She finished the last drop of champagne out of her glass and sighed cynically, even she knew it would not have been that easy, nothing ever was between them.

Nevertheless, she allowed herself to sit back and fantasise about 'maybes' and 'what ifs'.

**QUESTIONS**

What did he think?

That she was going to abandon her life just because he had finally dug up the courage to voice the words that had been eating at both of them for months now.

He missed her, she missed him.

He wanted to be with her, she wanted to be with him.

You can't always get what you want, fact of life.

She had lived with this longing for years and she could go on living with it for years.

Unless he had a something solid to propose to her, she couldn't allow herself to follow her heart.

**A REVELATION**

All the women surrounding her bore the same expression of total boredom.

She was absolutely sure what she wanted for her future, but she was sure of one thing she didn't want to end up like them, rotten from the inside by misery and dissatisfaction.

She wanted a man who wouldn't with whom she wouldn't come second to his work.

She wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with her more than anything else in the world.

She maintained the hope of a bit of thrill and excitement in her life.

And Bart just wasn't offering her that.

**HOPES AND DISILLUSIONS**

_Claim your life this time, live it the way you want to live it._

If only it were that simple.

She was not twenty and carefree anymore, she had children, and they were the most important thing in her life.

She couldn't discard her daughter's feelings just to satisfy her own, that's what being an adult meant: leaving your dreams behind for your children's happiness.

Love wasn't enough, as sad as that was, it was also true. She wished she could turn back the hands of time; she would do it all differently this time round. She knew better know.

**FRIENDS**

He seemed to be the only person with whom she felt comfortable discussing her problems and failures, she could openly pour her heart out to him, she felt like he was the only person in the whole world who knew exactly who she was, and loved her just the way she was.

He turned to her when he needed parenting advice; she turned to him when she was in over her head with her children.

He was always there for her; she would always be there for him.

They were friends, they were more than friends, they were a team.

**A PHOTOGRAPH**

It was just like it followed her everywhere she went.

It was there on display in his apartment.

It was on flyers across the city.

It was on the front of a magazine cover.

It was in the hands of the journalist who was interviewing her.

That photograph was probably the best she had ever taken out of all the others, it transpired happiness and fulfilment, the only time in her life when she had felt totally and recklessly free.

She sometimes wondered if it kept popping up to remind her of what she had foolishly left behind. She sighed.

**THE CONCERT**

The bribes of music emanating from the concert hall brought her back to forgotten times, miles away from the turmoil of her present life.

It couldn't hurt, she thought, just for old time's sake. She swiftly slid through the door.

He was there, on stage, doing the same thing he had all those years ago, singing the same songs.

Then he saw her –he had always been able to sense her presence, their eyes locked, he looked at her, the same way he had when they were still young and careless, and for a brief moment that's how she felt.

**HER KISS**

He wouldn't move out of her way, she was still flustered from having heard him perform once again.

He was just standing there refusing to let her get past.

She tried to get around him, it was no use, and he wasn't going to let her get anywhere. She knew what her presence here tonight meant, and so did he.

He looked at her with that boyish grin of his that used to make all the girls squeal.

There was no use fighting it, it was like an urge she had no control over, she leaned forward and kissed him.

**THE MORNING AFTER**

The vibrations of the phone on the bedside cabinet stirred her in her sleep.

A familiar but unexpected voice answered the phone.

She turned around, he was there, the events of the previous night came back to her: the passion, the tenderness, the way they had undone each others clothes as if they had been doing it regularly over the past twenty years, the way he knew her body as if it were his own …

Shivers trickled down her spine at the memory of it.

Last night certainly hadn't been a mistake; in fact it had been long overdue.

**AN UNEXPECTED VISITOR**

When he turned up in the room where she was getting ready to get married she hadn't know what to think.

He was the last person she had wanted to see and the only person she had wanted to see.

His presence made her question her present actions, he induced doubt in her mind, she didn't know if she was doing the right thing anymore.

She was scared, in a good way, but still scared.

If he tried to talk her out of her impending marriage, she didn't know if she'd have the strength and willpower to cast him away.

**A LOOK INTO THE FUTURE**

She hadn't been able to stop thinking about their last exchange, it didn't matter that she was on her honeymoon with another man; she couldn't get his last words out of her head.

She desperately hoped he hadn't changed his mind. She had been gone all summer, too long; it was time to go home, she should never have agreed to the extra two weeks away, but she didn't want to make her new husband suspicious.

What if he had decided to move on with his life? What would she do then?

She was worried and anxious, she needed him.


End file.
